In my final hour the pain of hunger and dehydration began to become unbearable but as if like my own personal anaesthetic I began not to see the painting-like beautiful star filled night any more but images that blurred the line between real life and memory, images bouncing around and fast forwarding almost like a Video Cassette. In between the jumps of imagery I began to clearly see key moments of my own life which started to slow down and play out.
I felt warm and content as I saw myself as a boy running across a field near my first home during the Summer. I had a huge smile on my face and could clearly hear my first Dog barking as loud as he could as I kicked the football towards my father. 'Now son you have to control the ball properly and always pass to your team when there is an opening!' he said as he attempted to pass to me until my dog grabbed the ball and popped it.
Floating here I could almost smell the cut grass and pollen float across the air from that amazing Summer...
***
The smell began to fade soon after and I could vaguely hear the sound of the ocean as the memories began to play at an increasing rate. I almost couldn't comprehend what I was looking at until it was like the tape came to a halt once more.
I can see myself again but this time I'm older I have just got my A level results and I'm in tears. I have a sense of impending doom on my face as I realise I haven't got onto the course I wanted. 'There are other options for you out there, you know that don't you?' I remember those words clearly now, I can see myself beginning to smile with the determination that this moment in my life would not defeat me.
***
The next flash and I'm sitting at a desk of my first boring 9 to 5 job regretting not being spontaneous and feeling stuck in the new adult life that had taken over since I finished school. The day in particular I felt a pit in my stomach as the Boss had taken advantage of myself and my colleagues once again.'Oh can you guys stay an extra few hours this evening, It's Friday and we still have so much paper work to get through' he said as he left work for the weekend.
I finished that shift and immediately handed in my notice, I remember thinking back to getting my A level results and having that feeling of determination, I'd forgotten it already in the short time between the two memories. I could then see myself booking a flight with the money I'd saved and heading to the airport, just to get away and begin a new adventure.
***
The flashes start progressing much faster as the sound of the ocean begins to slowly fill the air. I wonder if I'm just delirious, I wonder where and when I am, I wonder what the hell is going on until the memory stops and becomes clear... I'm on a sunny beach with crystal clear water and bright white sand, I'm looking at the woman who would be my wife and I'm happy as we both lookout toward the waves crashing lightly across the coast of the island.
She turns to me and whispers in my ear 'I wish we could stay here forever before you have to go...' What did she mean before I had to go? I turned to ask her but she wasn't there. I turned back to the ocean and it was pitch black again, I was back floating again and trying to hold on to what I could to keep on until help arrived. If it was going to arrive.
I was so desperate to see her again I began to shout 'take me back!' over and over until the sound of the ocean faded out again and my memories began speeding up before me. It was different this time, before I couldn't make anything out before it stopped but this time I could see everything clearly, I could see my wedding with her as I pulled the veil away from her face and put the ring on her finger, I could see us moving into our first home, I could see the arguments we had and how we would make up with each other right away.
I could feel the memories fading out as they seemed to get further away, the space I was in was totally black and void of anything, I began to wonder If I had died? I came to the final memory, one I had tried to suppress for some time and one I had almost denied myself of going back to. It was my wife in bed at the Hospital with her family and mine crowded around her.
She was sick, she was really sick and she was leaving. I had sat there all day with her telling her it was all going to be alright and that we'd soon be heading home together and continuing our perfect life. That didn't happen, she left not long after and she wouldn't be coming back. I began to remember all the grief, all the pain and the loss of direction in my life.
But I remembered why I was on that boat, I tried to get away for a while and try to help myself before getting lost in a storm and floating around somewhere in the pacific for days. The flashes had stopped and the sound of the ocean was back as the stars returned to my vision. 'Is my time up?' I said out loud and then I heard her. 'It's time for you to go, we've got so much to talk about.' I looked to her and asked 'Can't we just stay here together and look out to the ocean like we used to?'
She held my hand tight as I lay back on the piece of wood Id attached myself to 'It's going to be alright, we're heading home' She whispered to me as she faded away and in my final moments I hold on tight to those flashes because they help me remember that my life was full of joy. I think the mind likes to comfort you in your time of need as best it can because I felt warm, content and proud of what I had achieved, the person I was and the person I'd chosen to be with.
As the night sky once again filled the horizon I began to feel tired, I could feel my eyes getting heavy and my heart slowing. It began to get cold again but this time I couldn't move all I could do was look to the sky as the sound of the ocean got louder and louder and As my eyes began to close for the last time I saw the tiniest flicker of light as a new day was about to begin.
It's funny what you think about in your last moments.
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